The Captain's Blog

50 Funny Boat Rules Every Captain Should Live By

October 1, 2022 by Michael Kiel

There are rules for boating that were designed to keep the captain and his crew safe. Then there are rules that were designed to make a day out on the water more enjoyable. Most boat captains have his or her own version of rules they would like their guests to abide by. However, most aren't published anywhere for others to see.

So, we decided to gather up some of our favorite boating rules, put our own spin on them, and turn them into a series of Captain's Rules. Below you'll find the result. 50 funny boat rules every captain should live by and every guest onboard should become familiar with:

  1. The captain is always right.
    boat planet captains rule 1
  2. If the captain is wrong, refer to Rule #001.
    boat planet captains rule 2
  3. Forms of payment accepted: bikinis, beer, gas, or cash.
    boat planet captains rule 3
  4. Always check the expiration date on sunscreen.
    boat planet captains rule 4
  5. Every beer gets a koozie.
    boat planet captains rule 5
  6. This boat runs on gas… not “Thank You’s.”
    boat planet captains rule 6
  7. Bring twice what you think you can eat and drink.
    boat planet captains rule 7
  8. My boat. My music. My rules.
    boat planet captains rule 8
  9. This isn’t Titanic… there are no lifeboats.
    boat planet captains rule 9
  10. What happens on the boat will end up on social media.
    boat planet captains rule 10
  11. If something is already broken, the captain knows.
    boat planet captains rule 11
  12. If something is smoking, tell the captain.
    boat planet captains rule 12
  13. Short beeps are okay… sit down and drink your beer.
    boat planet captains rule 13
  14. Long beeps are not okay… start freaking out.
    boat planet captains rule 14
  15. Naked feet only… no dirty shoes.
    boat planet captains rule 15
  16. Bring cans instead of bottles.
    boat planet captains rule 16
  17. This boat only comes back to dock to sleep and refuel.
    captains rule 17
  18. Cruise ships leave people all the time… this is no different.
    captain's rule 18
  19. If the captain is docking, sit down and shut up.
    captain's rule 19
  20. Yes, I have a bow thruster… it’s you and a pole.
    captain's rule 20
  21. The boat doesn’t uncover and cover itself.
    captain's rule 21
  22. All alcohol brought onboard becomes property of the captain.
    captain's rule 22
  23. My 2 gallons per hour generator isn’t for cell phone charging.
    captain's rule 23
  24. My speakers were too expensive to be paired with Bluetooth.
    captain's rule 24
  25. On a windy day… tell the captain how good he is at docking.
    captain's rule 25
  26. Wash your brand new suit before it makes my white seats purple. 
    captain's rule 26
  27. The only butts allowed on this boat or in the water are tan ones.
    captain's rule 27
  28. Sunscreen and insect repellent should be applied off the boat.
    captain's rule 28
  29. Boat upholstery is expensive, please don’t stand on it.
    captain's rule 29
  30. TP only, boats have sensitive plumbing.
    captain's rule 30
  31. Sandy feet belong on the beach, not my boat.
    captain's rule 31
  32. Ask the captain if there is room for your sidekick.
    captain's rule 32
  33. Don’t push my buttons by pushing my buttons.
    captain's rule 33
  34. When I asked if everyone is on board that includes my dog.
    captain's rule 34
  35. Keep your drama on shore.
    captain's rule 35
  36. Don’t be a boathole, wave to your fellow boaters.
    captain's rule 36
  37. When the boat pulls in, the cleanup begins.
    captain's rule 37
  38. Don’t keep the captain and his ice waiting at the marina
    captain's rule 38
  39. Have the ropes and fenders ready when docking.
    captain's rule 39
  40. Don’t be “That Guy” on my boat.
    captain's rule 40
  41. Towels, sunscreen, and sunglasses are not complementary.
    captain's rule 41
  42. Tip the dock girls well.
    captain's rule 42
  43. “Boat Shoes” still need to come off.
    captain's rule 43
  44. Don’t show up with a captain’s hat unless you’re an Admiral in the Navy.
    captain's rule 44
  45. There are laws on a boat, even if you’re drinking White Claw.
    captain's rule 45
  46. You play tug of war with a rope. You tie up a boat with a line.
    captain's rule 46
  47. Bumpers are for cars. Fenders are for boats.
    captain's rule 47
  48. The volume button is for the Captain’s hands only.
    captain's rule 48
  49. Put a life jacket on before you have a “HOLD MY BEER” moment.
    captain's rule 49
  50. Be prepared to swab the deck if you break any of these rules.
    captain's rule  50

Did we miss any of your favorite boating rules? What rules do you live by on your boat? Any funny stories of discovering these rules? Join the conversation and tell us in the comments!

Michael Kiel