50 Funny Boat Rules Every Captain Should Live By

There are rules for boating that were designed to keep the captain and his crew safe. Then there are rules that were designed to make a day out on the water more enjoyable. Most boat captains have his or her own version of rules they would like their guests to abide by. However, most aren't published anywhere for others to see.

So, we decided to gather up some of our favorite boating rules, put our own spin on them, and turn them into a series of Captain's Rules. Below you'll find the result. 50 funny boat rules every captain should live by and every guest onboard should become familiar with:

1. The captain is always right.
   
2. If the captain is wrong, refer to Rule #001.
   
3. Forms of payment accepted: bikinis, beer, gas, or cash.
   
4. Always check the expiration date on sunscreen.
   
5. Every beer gets a koozie.
   
6. This boat runs on gas… not “Thank You’s.”
   
7. Bring twice what you think you can eat and drink.
   
8. My boat. My music. My rules.
   
9. This isn’t Titanic… there are no lifeboats.
   
10. What happens on the boat will end up on social media.
    
11. If something is already broken, the captain knows.
    
12. If something is smoking, tell the captain.
    
13. Short beeps are okay… sit down and drink your beer.
    
14. Long beeps are not okay… start freaking out.
    
15. Naked feet only… no dirty shoes.
    
16. Bring cans instead of bottles.
    
17. This boat only comes back to dock to sleep and refuel.
    
18. Cruise ships leave people all the time… this is no different.
    
19. If the captain is docking, sit down and shut up.
    
20. Yes, I have a bow thruster… it’s you and a pole.
    
21. The boat doesn’t uncover and cover itself.
    
22. All alcohol brought onboard becomes property of the captain.
    
23. My 2 gallons per hour generator isn’t for cell phone charging.
    
24. My speakers were too expensive to be paired with Bluetooth.
    
25. On a windy day… tell the captain how good he is at docking.
    
26. Wash your brand new suit before it makes my white seats purple. 
    
27. The only butts allowed on this boat or in the water are tan ones.
    
28. Sunscreen and insect repellent should be applied off the boat.
    
29. Boat upholstery is expensive, please don’t stand on it.
    
30. TP only, boats have sensitive plumbing.
    
31. Sandy feet belong on the beach, not my boat.
    
32. Ask the captain if there is room for your sidekick.
    
33. Don’t push my buttons by pushing my buttons.
    
34. When I asked if everyone is on board that includes my dog.
    
35. Keep your drama on shore.
    
36. Don’t be a boathole, wave to your fellow boaters.
    
37. When the boat pulls in, the cleanup begins.
    
38. Don’t keep the captain and his ice waiting at the marina
    
39. Have the ropes and fenders ready when docking.
    
40. Don’t be “That Guy” on my boat.
    
41. Towels, sunscreen, and sunglasses are not complementary.
    
42. Tip the dock girls well.
    
43. “Boat Shoes” still need to come off.
    
44. Don’t show up with a captain’s hat unless you’re an Admiral in the Navy.
    
45. There are laws on a boat, even if you’re drinking White Claw.
    
46. You play tug of war with a rope. You tie up a boat with a line.
    
47. Bumpers are for cars. Fenders are for boats.
    
48. The volume button is for the Captain’s hands only.
    
49. Put a life jacket on before you have a “HOLD MY BEER” moment.
    
50. Be prepared to swab the deck if you break any of these rules.
    

Did we miss any of your favorite boating rules? What rules do you live by on your boat? Any funny stories of discovering these rules? Join the conversation and tell us in the comments!